My spouse and I dated for 5-ish years starting in uni, before getting married and we’re now coming up on the 10th anniversary. The spark has been missing for a while now, and I feel like we’re headed towards a dead bedroom kind of situation. But not just sex wise, even just fun wise.
We’re both in similar positions career wise, earn similar amounts, split chores down the middle (to the point of just alternating between what we do each week. Ex: I plan and cook this week while they do the dishes and laundry, and switch tasks the next week). No kids/pets in the mix - just the two of us.
There’s a lot of love and respect between us, we rarely ever fight, and there’s no obvious point of friction that I can say is the source of our issue. It’s hard to even say that there’s an issue unless I squint a little.
When I do squint, I can see that we’re just going through the motions. We go on “fun” dates and spend a lot of time just existing without actually having fun or talking. When we do the same activities (board games, pub crawl, pottery, concerts etc) with other friends, we tend to actually have fun. This has over time resulted in a situation where we plan more and more things in groups instead of just the two of us.
We barely even talk about the exciting new things we discovered today with each other. I’ve caught myself looking forward to telling something to a coworker of the opposite gender, and have since limited my interaction with them. But I was actually having fun while talking to said coworker, you know?
Any hoo, any recommendations based on things that worked for you?
Gotta mix comfort with excitement. Your regular thing is the safe place where you stay to relax and rest.
Venturing out from that place to experience the world is what gives the boost of adrenaline.
What’s important is that you don’t threaten the safe space, if you want it to keep going. That means no cheating, no hiding stuff from one another, no dumbass heroics like skydiving without a parachute.
If you do dumb stuff, it’s meant as a clean and permanent separation from that safe place. (You’ll miss it once you lose it, no matter what.)
A mistake people make when going for excitement is thinking “Oh, I love this! It beats home life a thousand times!”. It does not. It’s different, it’s its own thing. Comparing it with home life is dumb because they are completely different things.
Home life is safety and comfort. Adventure is risk. You need a safe place from where to launch the adventures and to which you can return to where you will feel warm and loved. Never dismiss the home place importance. It is the worst thing to do and will sadden your life, regardless of how much the solo crowd will lie to themselves and others about it.
Again, what you both crave is risk and adventure. No need to do dumb, life-destroying risk and adventure, just the kind you can crawl back into a warm bed and cuddle with your partner at the end of it.
Up to you both to choose those adventures and try not to be broken by them.