I keep wondering why he cheated when he had me, someone who genuinely loved him, was loyal to him, and wanted a future with him. What was missing? Why wasn’t my love enough for him? I compare myself to the girls he talked to and keep questioning my worth. Even after 32 days of no contact, I still miss him and sometimes want to try again. How do I stop blaming myself and understand that his choices don’t define my worth?
He told me we were incompatible and that I should leave him after I confronted him about cheating. Was I really incompatible with him, or was he just looking for a reason to leave?
I was completely devoted to him and genuinely loved him. I thought he was my everything because there were days when he showed me genuine care and made me feel loved. But he also threatened to break up with me four times. Every time he became distant, I got scared that he would leave again, so I kept questioning his commitment. I would beg him not to leave, and he would eventually reassure me by saying I was his choice. But he also told me he could change his choice anytime and that I was his zero priority.
He blamed me for having trust issues and being emotionally dependent on him, and I know I became anxious and needed reassurance. But those repeated breakup threats affected me, too.
Things got worse when I came across his ChatGPT history and found him asking how to impress girls. I also found out he had said he urgently needed sex because his friends regularly brought girls over to have fun in the next room. It completely shattered my trust. I was genuinely committed to him, and discovering these things broke me.
I’m struggling to understand how someone who made me feel so loved sometimes could also make me feel so replaceable. Right now, I’m just trying to get through each day and learn how to live without someone I thought was my future.
I read a book recently, and maybe it’s something you’ll want to look into, called Attached: The New Sciene of Adult Attachment by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. What you described about him in your comment reminds me of the Avoidant type of personality who goes back and forth like he does. There’s also Secure and Anxious types too. Here’s a link to the Internet Archive for a free PDF copy if you want to check it out right now https://ia800508.us.archive.org/20/items/AttachementTheory/Amir_Levine%2C_Rachel_Heller-Attached__The_New_Science_of_Adult_Attachment_and_How_It_Can_Help_You_Find_–_and_Keep_–_Love__-Penguin_Group_USA_(2010)[1].pdf I used this for a while before buying a physical copy.
I think the book may help you for the future in detecting this type of personality trait so you are less likely to get deeply involved with someone like this again. The book also helps you discover what type you are and how to manage what you feel and learn about who you’re most compatible with as well as helping to explain some of the things you feel.
It may also give some insight into what was going on for him and help make some sense of the confusion you’re feeling about the relationship and why things didn’t work out. It sounds like in all this, you go back and forth not knowing why he did this or why he reacted that way, but hopefully this could help shed some light and give you some insight to help move on.
You sound like you had a lot of genuine love you gave to him and he just wasn’t present for it in the way you needed him to be.
I’m sorry it’s hurting as much as it does for you right now.
I loved him so much. I stayed awake when he was sick, cried when he was sad, and shared all his pain. But he eventually said we were incompatible and left me. Now I keep wondering if our breakup was my fault. If I had been less emotionally dependent and given him more space, would he have stayed and been faithful, or am I just blaming myself for his choices?
What do you think…thanks for recommending the book! I’ll definitely give it a read.