howdy gang, i keep seeing this community in the trending communities thing and it being empty was annoying me, so here’s my super cool and awesome post. first btw.
i remember reading (and identifying with) relatively often on reddit how lots of ace people tended to flip-flop between feeling extremely aroace and feeling like they desperately want a partner of some kind, and i want to talk about it.
generally, i am fine most of the time - feeling like i’m living the way i want to live (with no partner) and that i’m not lacking anything in that regard. most of the time i feel like being on my own suits me and perfectly aligns with everything about my general being. very infrequently i get an intense desire to find a partner and share my life with someone in some capacity, but those are momentary and maybe last a day at the longest. i know i don’t actually want that for the long run and i’m perfectly happy on my own, but man sometimes those feelings are intense and confusing. kinda like i want the idea of a romantic lifelong relationship in that moment, but the details of how those things work and what they look like in reality are completely unappealing to me.
at some point, those intermittent feelings died down nearly completely and i want to attribute it to connecting more with friends and family, but i’m not a doctor so idk. i think if you feel this way and you know for sure you don’t actually want a partner, it might be coming from a lack of meaningful connection with friends/family. at least, that is how i see my unique situation. maybe that’s obvious (or wrong), idk i mostly just wanted to populate this community with something and maybe even get some discussion going.
anyway sorry about the blogpost, i guess i want to ask if anyone else here feels like some days they are mega aroace and other days the complete opposite? and do you find anything in particular helps you with it?
Maybe society doesn’t have the words for you. I know I want to be close with friends in a way many would consider romantic, but I don’t want all the stuff society tells me a “relationship” includes. I don’t know what to call me, but at least I finally figured out I don’t neatly fit society’s categories.
that’s how i felt when i realized i was ace - like that feeling i’ve always had in the back of my head that i’m not like how people are “supposed” to be finally had a name. and that there are others like me and it is ok to be this way.
i think i fit pretty neatly into the aroace possibly agender circle (these days at least), but i understand what you mean about society not having words for me. i think a lot of the confusion etc i’ve felt around this over the years is just that - confusing a desire for friendship with one for a partner. i’ve considered looking for a QPR but realistically i just don’t think i have the patience for it.
idk if I’m aromantic because I don’t even know what “romance” means, and if I ask 3 different people I get 4 incompatible answers where my answer varies
i know exactly what you mean about romance evading definition lol. i don’t understand how allos survive when navigating the world based on vibes and “you’ll know it when you feel it / meet the right person”, it seems way to uncertain for me. i just looked through a lot of the ace/aro resources i know and couldn’t find a good definition on romance, just that aros experience a lack of it…
unfortunately, i don’t have a better answer for you except that maybe defining romance doesn’t matter all that much? i think getting to know where you fit in the queer label soup can be comforting, but if you’re struggling with finding the words that much it might benefit you more to just say fuck it and try to find others who want to live like you do using the words you already know.
having said that i’m currently struggling with meeting other similarly minded folk and am just banking on my current friends maintaining the our current relationship for all time, so don’t take my words as gospel. i wish you well in your endeavors.
Well, personally We’d say that if we break those feeling down and examine them then we might find out that what we’re actually lacking is getting our needs met.
First things first establishing what those needs are is the most helpeful step because then you can start figuring out who can provide them and who can’t by talking to them and letting them know what you need and seeing what they can and can’t provide.
A lot of it might come down to just the vague ‘connection’ you mentioned, but there may be other more specific things you can identify.
This society makes people very lonely because it tends towards amato and allo normative values i.e. one person (usually a partner) is ‘supposed’ to meet all your needs which isn’t realisitic or healthy and you’re suppose to eschew friends or treat them as less important than a partner, which we hate.
However, if you ever would like a partner (whatever that means to you), we strongly suggest looking into both queer platonic relationships and relationship anarchy as they are both very fitting for aro and/or ace people as they’re relationships not born of the standard expected norms of society and instead based on consent and communication. Which we personally think all relationships should be since the amato/allo normative models don’t seem all that healthy or reasonable to us.
We can give you links if you haven’t heard of either before or even if you have but might be curious to learn more.
We hope this helped!
i had never heard of relationship anarchy before and i find it very interesting - i may one day bring up the idea to some of my current friends. it would be nice to not be cast to the wayside when they find romantic partners because like you said, i hate it when that happens lol. and it can be tough going solo in an amato and allo normative world.
as for QPRs, i think that might be a little bit beyond what i want out of friendship, but to relate it to what another commenter said: i would like to be close with friends slightly more than what many would consider “just friendship”, but definitely not romantic. the more i write and think about it the more i realize i just value my close friends and hope that they stay by my side for the foreseeable future. and heck, maybe even meet some new people too.
i really appreciate the points you brought up, they did help :)
