This sounds like a wkuk episode

Yeah, it’s easier if you lick your hand first. You’ll get used to the taste after a while

Damn, she showed up with that 12x18!

Like the police cars in GTA say on them, “Obey and Survive”

He tows a very large boat to the ocean, and he uses it for hunting, fishing, camping, and getting firewood in the mountains. It’s very bland looking.

He has a smaller car for other stuff, I was just using it so I could move.

Whenever I drive my parents F250 (long bed mega cab) I always park at the back of parking lots. I know I park like an asshole, but at least it’s out of the way.

I heard that “who let the dogs out” by the Baha Men is about ugly girls coming to the club.

I was explaining this to a coworker, and one of my female coworkers were around. After I said it, I looked at her and said “oh my gosh I’m so sorry” because I thought it was inappropriate to say at work.

She took it as I was calling her ugly! (she was though)

Chloroform

Okay, we can all go home now, we found the winner

I was helping my mom shop for a new car, and we discovered she needed the requirement of “physical AC controls”.

Everything is all on the touch screen.

When my kid was about 4, he had an absolute meltdown over seeing the moon during the day. Poor guy was so upset

LASERJET COPIERS ARE SUPERIOR!

Dog is named cat. Cat is named dog!

I’ve been using SwiftKey since like, 2012?

I just like the custom keyboards, and it learns my mistakes when I swipe. I always carry 2 phones, so I was able to sync the 2nd phone so my swipes are already learned on that phone.

Also, there’s a snow keyboard that collect snow at the bottom of the screen as you swipe.

No, they aren’t.

All of my coworkers are super trump supporters, they even bought the flag from the assassination attempt. Yesterday, one of them told me to go “fuck my couch” and I said “there’s enough couch fuckers around” which confused him.

I awkwardly explained the JD Vance couch thing (I know it was just a troll, it didn’t actually happen) and he BLEW UP. He was explaining that he looks up to and respects JD and I shouldn’t believe what I’m seeing on the internet.

When I’m dealing with ISP or phone customer service, I always ask for the cancelation department. They are motivated to keep customers so sometimes they’ll throw in a coupon, especially if you treat them like a human.

My wife was like this all the time. It was so exhausting and I couldn’t keep track of what she was mad about anymore. Then she started accusing me of cheating on a regular basis.

Then I found the texts in her phone to multiple other guys. Pictures and everything. I bent over so far backwards for her to keep her happy and that’s what happened.

Dumped her ass, got a new girlfriend that is radically different (she communicates) and I’m getting my life back on track. Restraining order in place. The future will be good.

When my oldest was about 1, I buckled him in, but didn’t realize the carseat wasn’t buckled in.

About a mile down the road, I turned and we went tumbling across the car in his car seat. It was completely upside down by the end.

The only thing that kept me calm was that he was cackling with laughter. He thought it was the funniest thing. Never made thay mistake again!

I was told “he’s from Pennsylvania, he’s registered as a republican, but he’s a democrat. You see, the democrats have been voting as republican so they can vote on the republican ticket for Trumps enemies”

I just can’t. I’m not looking forward to work this week.