I fucked it all up, I am alone now.

I have not felt like [name] in ages, I used to be called by it, and for a while when I heard it in the street, my head turned thinking that is me, I used to believe I was actually me.

I am not visibly trans in real life or online, today is not safe to even be trans in my little chat rooms anymore, the bare minimum of having a profile picture you like or your chosen name as an account can become dangerous once you open your phone around other people, not so long ago I felt like I am who I was, I wish that the invisibility was recognized and respected, I can not afford to expose my self. What I am getting into is that some trans people and allies seem to get the idea that anyone that is not visibly trans to them is not trans and therefore can not feel dysphoria or face transphobia. An example I saw once here was someone saying “if you are a man who cares about x you should get over it, except if you are trans”, if that person met me, talked to me in real life or on one of my accounts what would they tell me if I cared about x?

A lot of us are facing danger, with state sponsored transphobia growing all over the world, and mass online surveillance, I believe we should put it into consideration.

I need help dealing with an issue, I am a closeted transwoman living in a Muslim country, currently dealing in college with two cis women who I thought were my friends but now I have to finish a project with them. I have not came out to them and I do not wish to do that at any point. I have issues with understanding tones or understanding what people are trying to communicate to me, so I have no clue half the time if they are bullying me or if they are being playful, but I am very lonely and do not like being lonely so I stay with them anyway.

Although I do not take HRT, I am very lucky to look like the “defined female beauty standard”, unfortunately they keep what I think is “body shaming” me, they treat me like a cis man and keep telling me to cut my hair. A lot of times it feels like my interaction with them is not with me but with what a stereotype of a “man should be” as if I am their “gay best friend” without being allowed to show my queerness or femininity. Kids describe me as talking like Richard from Unikitty.

A few incidents that made not feel good: one time we were walking together chatting about something and then they started walking faster, so I started walking faster too, and then after a few seconds they turned around and yelled “STOP CHASING US”, I stopped and later when we met in class I told them to clarify next time when we are supposed to split up, they nodded but never actually clarified when we had to split up. Another thing they often do, but I do not like is that they act controlling to me telling me what and what not to do like one time I spoke with a guy she kept staring at me, later she told me “when I stare at you like that you stop talking”. One more thing is that they keep talking to me about my imaginary wife, I never brought up marriage with them ever, they just talk about “your future wife will hate you” “no woman will marry you because you are short and stingy”.

About the body shaming, I am very short and skinny, my rib bones are visible, I got shamed a lot for the way I ate as a kid. I also one time had a full bus ride conversation with a middle aged woman who thought I was a cis woman the whole way through. These two make me feel bad about my body.

Transwoman, still in closet irl