We’re missing way too much context here. Public or home? My home or someone else’s? How many other people are nearby? Which body parts are involved? If this is a poop situation, how much and how firm? Is there a bidet/hygiene sprayer?

Depending on context there are many potential solutions:

• Waddle to another stall/undersink cabinet and look for spare rolls.
• Sacrifice “lefty” until you can get to the sink.
• Sacrifice undies forever, tossing them in the trash.
• Use the tube as-is.
• Use the tube after wetting it.
• See if there are paper seat liners that could be pressed into service.
• Or, y’know, ask for help. I understand that in certain conditions, three squares to spare should do it.
• Pull up pants and move along. Make extensive and unfriendly eye contact, implicitly daring anyone to say anything.
• Move into the stall permanently. You’re a toilet-human now.

Take the cardbard roll, crumble it, wet it, unravel the layers, and use them as wet wipes. Definitely not as good as a 4-ply toilet paper, but does the job in a real pinch.

Try finger but hole

Shove toob up my ass, poop through the toob, no poop on my ass, go about my day

Flush the toilet, then dip your ass in the toilet water and clean it out with your fingers, then go wash your hands. Then go shake hands with somebody knowing that they shook your hand that was just cleaning your dirty asshole. That’s how you show dominance.

PSA: The poop knife is there so you can also rob other stalls of their toilet paper.

There was an old reddit post, or maybe funnyjunk, where someone said they crumbled up the tp roll in their hands from the start of the shit until it wasn’t hard anymore. There was a picture too, not sure how I would find that

Speaking from experience, I had a roommate once that kept “borrowing” my tp and would never replace it, so one time when I went to the bathroom to discover I was out of shit tickets I ended up using his socks that were in the dryer.

check your wallet for receipts. use a sock or two.

Use the shower curtain

Process the roll into scrapers to get clean enough, then source to/wipes.

Isn’t it standard knowledge? You unroll the tube trying to separate the layers as thinly as possible, then you crumple them as much as possible so they are less harsh and use them as normal.

once when there wasn’t any toiletpaper at work I rolled this roll up, then split it and had 2 pieces of toilet paper

Wait until it’s dried

I’ve peeled these apart before and used that. It wasn’t great, but it worked.