Study the Art of War

I have had people unironically ask me “how can a guy writing about a battlefield apply to my problem? Go away.”

I promise, if you want a solution to a problem, it is applicable.

Your Enemies

You are fighting 2 enemies at once, and you seem to be trying to attack them head-on.

Enemy 1: Your past self

You used to practice 12 hours / day. That’s huge, and now you can’t devote that time to this.

Enemy 2: An imagined crowd

You say that everyone online want to talk about things from the perspective of a AAA company. But the loudest voices you can hear are not necessarily the enemies you should be concerned with. Either go somewhere else where those voices are quieter, or search for the quieter voices where you are.

Advice

1. “Do not besiege the walled city.” Don’t try to “go big or go home.” Take a cheap pen and some scrap paper, and set a 5 minute timer. And then leave it alone for a day or two. That in itself is a small victory.
2. “Win before the battle begins.” If I understand right, you are getting stressed about this before you even put pen to paper. Teach your mind that you are safe. Draw an ugly shape. Stop when the timer ends, even if you want to continue. Leaving while you still have the strength to continue teaches your mind that you are in control.
3. “Know yourself.” Trauma and anxiety are real. When stress rises, retreat without shame and return tomorrow. Retreat is not defeat, but abandoning the war is. If the dread becomes too strong, a therapist can be a strong ally. A general cannot fight a war without an army.
4. “Think in seasons, not battles.” Five years without much practice is a long winter. The first victory in spring will not be a masterpiece. It will be sitting down, making a mark, and walking away unharmed. Win that, and repeat it.

I’d say you’re fighting the wrong enemy. You think everyone else got a skill you missed, but you’re really just comparing how you feel inside to how they look outside. That’s not a fair fight.

Sun Tzu would say to know the ground and know yourself. The ground is a new workplace, so feeling lost is totally normal. Knowing yourself means knowing you’re quiet, low on energy, and unsure of your voice. That doesn’t make you “subhuman” - it’s just information.

And you’ve also done more than you give yourself credit for. Those two weeks of silence were basically scouting, and then you got into a group of other new hires and stayed in it for a month. That’s not nothing.

The real issue is how you’ve been talking to yourself. Calling yourself subhuman is like a general tearing down his own army before the battle. And cutting conversations short probably teaches you that talking is risky, which is the opposite of what you need.

I’d go small. One short, real conversation a day, mostly with people you already know. Ask a question, listen, and let your voice/confidence get stronger by using it. You don’t need to win everyone over, just get comfortable with a few.

On a related note, perhaps consider that you could be neurodivergent (such as autistic). Neurodivergence is not a weakness - it is a difference in mental structure that can come with both strengths and weaknesses, and if (IF) you are neurodivergent, knowing these things about yourself can help you.