As a kid from 10 to 18 I drew modeled etc. Filled scetch books drew 12 hours a day or at least 4 hours hunched over and doing stuff. Now it’s hard for me to pick up a pencil, or open blender without a existential crisis or something like PTSD hiting me and I become really stressed.
I want to creat but I become so stressed. I haven’t drawn in 5 years now, only from time to time trying to do it every year and failing every year.
It’s hard to explain. I got perfectionism, performence anxiety from my past drawings and it makes me just sad. Every time I try to draw trauma flies up and makes things harder. The proces it’s self I love. I love the hobby but these things are making it hard to finish anything.
Another major problem is online everyone talks about it like I work at at a AAA company and it’s making things even harder to enjoy. All the artist I followed left the internet as a whole altough they post 1 drawing a year at best.
How do I push trough this ?
Your Enemies
You are fighting 2 enemies at once, and you seem to be trying to attack them head-on.
Enemy 1: Your past self
You used to practice 12 hours / day. That’s huge, and now you can’t devote that time to this.
Enemy 2: An imagined crowd
You say that everyone online want to talk about things from the perspective of a AAA company. But the loudest voices you can hear are not necessarily the enemies you should be concerned with. Either go somewhere else where those voices are quieter, or search for the quieter voices where you are.
Advice
- “Do not besiege the walled city.” Don’t try to “go big or go home.” Take a cheap pen and some scrap paper, and set a 5 minute timer. And then leave it alone for a day or two. That in itself is a small victory.
- “Win before the battle begins.” If I understand right, you are getting stressed about this before you even put pen to paper. Teach your mind that you are safe. Draw an ugly shape. Stop when the timer ends, even if you want to continue. Leaving while you still have the strength to continue teaches your mind that you are in control.
- “Know yourself.” Trauma and anxiety are real. When stress rises, retreat without shame and return tomorrow. Retreat is not defeat, but abandoning the war is. If the dread becomes too strong, a therapist can be a strong ally. A general cannot fight a war without an army.
- “Think in seasons, not battles.” Five years without much practice is a long winter. The first victory in spring will not be a masterpiece. It will be sitting down, making a mark, and walking away unharmed. Win that, and repeat it.
Feels relavent to a meme i saw a little earlier from now
I think just start and then at some point thats within your time available, simply call it done, however it is, and accept your first output as it is.
Then do it again
Draw ugly, draw angry, draw without thinking, draw like you are punshing a wall.
This isn’t about drawing a good painting, this about releasing pressure.
Draw and don’t post it online. Don’t show it to anybody. Just do it for yourself.