Im gonna discuss this with my therapist but that shits like a week out already so i am just curious if anyone else decided to deflect/repress in this manner
Like, i did digitial self harm by reading ‘misandrist’ stuff and TERF brainworm shit on tumblr like, every other day from 2020-2024 and i even had accounts banned from different websites from how vitriolic i was about this
And like, i couldnt even bring myself to actually hate men i just hate being one, yaknow? But that wasnt allowed (by my brain) because i shut myself into the closet after a botched fkrst coming out attempt which i am just now trying again 6 years later
you were never a man btw
Not like that, but i had my own version of Inexplicable Feminist Agenda where i spend a lot of time arguing with incels online because something about their misogyny ticked me the fuck off
yeah i used to spend loads of time in the trenches on reddit arguing with transphobes
I wasn’t really consciously repressing my trans-ness, if anything I had the opposite problem and still kinda do. I acknowledged im trans then realized I couldn’t do anything so for a couple of years now ive just been filled with self hate.
It feels like im just tearing myself from the inside constantly beating myself up and ripping myself apart because of things out of my control that are always just barely out of reach. Just close enough to feel like I should have done more but just far enough where realistically it wouldn’t have mattered.
I went with over compensating for my denial, but I can see how it could go to self hating.
Just wanted to stop in and say I hope your second attempt at coming out goes well, sending love ❤️
Inexplicable misandry is one of many phenomena that tipped me off that I was repressing. I’m not familiar enough with feminist theory to go full TERF mode about it.
CW: self hatred
I also had (still do have, really) an unhinged, unprincipled anti-imperialism where I look at “unlimited genocide on the first world” and go “this, but unironically”. I’m a suburbanite cracker in burgerland, so it’s not like this is the hatred of colonizers by colonized that I’m talking about. I’m incapable of loving myself (and therefore others) and can only relate to anti-imperialist struggles through a deep desire for self annihilation, as opposed to the love for and solidarity with the oppressed that’s required to be a revolutionary.
My self-hatred is driving the politics here rather than the other way around. I hate myself for not being able to truly love and care for others.
I also have gotten accounts banned from various websites due to my measurehead tier eants about white people so maybe i should just get HRT behind my partner’s back and get it over with already
(Note; i will not do this -)
I dont hate myself for being a man. To me, it’s just one way of existing, one role a person can inhabit and it’s a fairly comfortable one for me. I genuinely like men and manhood, even if I recognize that both can sometimes express themselves in toxic ways. That doesn’t make manhood itself something I resent.
