I don’t know if this is the community for this, but I’m drunk (at 10AM because life) and I don’t know where the best spot for this is.
I realized I was a woman about three months ago. My egg took ages to crack. Looking back, it’s all been there for decades. I am a woman. I know I’m a woman. I’ve always known, and I’ve internalized how bad it feels to know that without support. But whatever; I’m figuring it out. I alternate between shaving my legs and giggling at how good it feels, then sobbing because I feel stupid for how good it feels. (Sorry, I shouldn’t be writing this drunk, and Mods please delete if this sucks, but here’s where I live right now.)
My only sister is 8 years older. We’ve never been close and very rarely see each other, but every interaction I’ve had with her has had a… flavor, I guess? Like, a mutual “I wish we were closer, but we just don’t know each other that well.” In examining my history, she was very affirming: she bought me my first Barbie. She made me bedazzled sweatshirts in the early '90s. She was my first access point to femininity.
I might be losing the thread here. My point is that this is a woman that I rarely saw and very much admired. She made me feel good. (Goodness, I’m crying just typing that because I feel so dumb.) But I haven’t seen her in years. I haven’t had a real relationship with her in decades. I don’t really know who this woman is anymore.
Which brings up the real question I’m facing: Her son is now 13 years old. I’ve never met him in person. They live across the country, in Texas. He’s been asking about his uncle (me), wanting to learn more about his family and history, and he wants to play videogames with my wife and I. He seems like a sweet kid. My wife is certain he’s autistic, and I understand why. She is diagnosed, and we both assume I’m on the spectrum as well, so I get where he lives. I don’t want to make things hard or confusing or weird, and I don’t want to further damage my relationship with my sister. So I guess the question is: should I out myself to my sister?
I’m only out to my spouse. I’m still in early days of having cracked and transitioning. I know that I want to live as a woman, no matter how hazardous the US is right now. But I also know that there is a massive political will against my very existence. My question is: should I out myself to my sister? If this kid wants to hang out (online) with my wife and I, he’s going to be exposed to my transition: voice, pronouns, name. It’s all on the table. I don’t want to undermine my sister (and maybe she’d be cool with me; I don’t know) in the face of this very lonely child.
So what’s the best way forward? How can I transition from Uncle to Aunt without rocking the boat? Or should I pull anchor and not cultivate this relationship?
I say you should come out to your sister. Its hard, its never going to be a zero risk decision. If you want to have a relationship with your sister and your nephew, the best way to do that is by starting with a foundation of honesty, openness and courage. You seem to want to be a good influence on your nephew, and this is an opportunity to demonstrate courage and authenticity to him. If he is autistic, having an aunt as a role model who lives exactly the way she knows is right for her regardless of what society wants and expects from her could be really important for him! I believe in you. I say take the chance of rejection. Come out to your sister.