If I were ever single again, I’d take the Cloth, figuratively speaking. Unless they’re very rich, men my age don’t have much to bring to the party.
My wife and I have been together more than 30 years, married 25, and I still can’t believe my luck.
On dating apps, the only men who sent me messages were either 20 years older than me or non-white.
But… dating apps are literally for both men and women.
So exhausted from these constant MEN VS WOMEN (women wins lol!) threads.
I must be the luckiest broad in the world. I joined a dating app only once, had zero negative experiences, found a great guy, and now we’ve been together for 17 years (today is our anniversary).
Either that or I am powerfully ugly or monstrously scary.
Don’t sell yourself short. You probably recognized all the red flags, knew what you wanted, locked in and went for it. I’d call it lucky if he was literally the first guy that showed up on the app and you didn’t need to say no to anyone else.
Women are generally the ones who get to pick on these apps, and you know how to pick.
Or maybe you have a toxic worldview that doesn’t correlate with reality and a pathological need to push your personal narratives down everybody’s throats because you have a fragile ego.
I mean both have the same likelihood of being true.
very different environment a decade+ ago on those apps. in my experience of then vs now, with nothing in between
Tbh they were a lot better 17 years ago, now there are a lot of hostile patterns built into them
I met my partner of 8 years on bumble. College roomate met his wife on bumble too. It’s not impossible, but i know I’m a lucky one.
Another Bumble shill
Lol sorry I had a positive experience on a dating app, wonder why that annoys you tho :D
Because like the meme says, men are dumb and evil and women are faultless angels, and you are not allowed to challenge that dogma. Or do and be called misogynist or some variant of phobe.
I met my partner of 7 years on bumble
maybe, but no one cares.
😭
Yawn, who cares…🙄
Post clearly written by a woman
?
Just incel shit probably
The MEN VS WOMEN posts? Yes, 100% posted by incels/femcels every time.
If gender is the single defining quality of your personality, you’re typically an extremely narrow minded, childish, and unpleasant person.
That’s just a statistical fact.
I’ll just eat beans in the dark and dehydrate myself in that case
So I can find a boyfriend or a girlfriend if I just boil them first? 🤔
Gotta watch out for those PFOAS.
Men using dating are getting 90% AI/bots now I would suspect.
Yeah, it is the same for interviews. You are told you are not good enough, but really…even if you were, you never had a chance there.
Or you do, but it is not worth the effort really.
The reason why is because we are in end-stage capitalism, and there is too many of us around.
So this can only fix itself naturally if we stop making more of our selves.
Can confirm it’s not a great time right now. I accidentally once downloaded an app that literally flooded me with bots asking for personal information it was bizarre
The point of dating apps is for you to come back to the app. And harvest your data.
I don’t know what the answer is, but I do 100% know it’s not a dating app. Saw another post about people playing more board games, maybe try something like that. Go where people actually talk to each other. Participate without an agenda. See what happens naturally. Social media and heads-buried-in-phones have made everyone socially incompetent.
And pray tell, how do you find the people?
This can vary a lot depending on where you live. I live near a medium-sized city and there are numerous community events going on all the time. Hikes, hobby clubs, book clubs, charity events, arts and crafts, live music, fun runs, pickle ball, library events…the list goes on and on.
If you live out in the sticks it’s tougher. Churches are unfortunately maybe your best option.
Check out your local library and comic book store! There are tons of things like boardgame groups and open RPG sessions and suchlike, and libraries / FLGSs are a community hub for that sort of thing. It’s a great way to meet new people, structured activities like that really help break the ice.
It’s a hard thing. When I was single I would try this and then it wouldn’t really go anywhere. Which would be fine if what was missing from my life was having a board game group, but what I wanted was companionship.
I think the way it should work is to basically create situations where romance could happen, but not necessarily seem like you’re actively pursuing romance. For more reserved people that can be hard to do, I think I tended to come across less as “fun person, potential partner” and more “kind of quiet guy from my board game group”.
I ultimately met my wife through a dating app so I’m glad I stuck it out, but dating is hard whichever way you do it.
Being a complete person and not expecting another person to be the “missing piece” is important. I’m not saying you did it wrong. It’s normal and healthy to want companionship.
A lot of folks have stupid Hollywood notions of what “true love” is.
IOW, have your own shit together, don’t be a burden who thinks someone else can fix them or meet their every need.
Counterpoint: I’m in that situation, and now I am no closer to finding that person.
I’d be happy to help make someone feel whole. But since I am whole myself, I’m not expending effort on locating anyone single.
So, there’s truth in what you’re saying. A partner fills a void. Being self-sufficient fills it too. But spackle doesn’t feel as good as concrete.
I’ve only ever gotten one date on a dating app ):
TBH I am somewhat ashamed of my (male) sex, and its many extremes. The incel side, the oldschool sexist side, the Instagram macho side, the “Andrew Tate attention predator” side, the “take a freaking shower” side, the “you cheated on your mistress?” side…
Like, I am an AuADHD recluse. No self-promotion here. I know I’m not in a good place for a relationship, at the moment.
Yet based on guys I’ve personally met, I feel like I’m in the top percentile for “being reasonably understanding/deferential/courteous/nice, meeting a baseline grooming standard, engaging with someone else’s needs, and so on.
Bar is in hell. You don’t even have to be excellent (tho I highly recommend it, more to make my point), you just have to not be a prick, shower, and like things. Also never yuck anyone’s yum, instead just ask all the questions, respectfully.
Just be clean and treat women like people. The bar is SO LOW
I’m not quite sure how to say this, but the bar is definitely above there. I’m sure many women have these stories of people falling below it and having lowered their standards, but there are also guys (like me) that have received zero to zero attention while being very socially open in a lot of contexts.
Worse, there’s often a conclusive reaction of “If that’s the case, you must be doing something wrong”. I know I’m not my own best judge, but I don’t believe that. I show interest in people’s lives and hardship, be kind, stay clean, and it doesn’t appear to make a difference.
People as a whole (not just women) are less prone to haphazard connections than they used to be. More generally, it ties in with the difficulty making friends as an adult. Attractiveness concerns could tie into that, but I can’t say for sure.
Worse, there’s often a conclusive reaction of “If that’s the case, you must be doing something wrong”.
And then, they can’t point out anything you’re doing wrong! And then, you see tons of men out there who don’t clear that low bar, yet have dates and get married (often multiple times). I’m with you, the claim that that’s the bar just isn’t credible.
Have you tried asking any out on a date or are you just waiting for them to make the first move?
I have! The last time it failed was when someone turned down my date before the day even came up - because I wasn’t messaging her often enough in pleading persistence.
“The worst she can say is no” is not true either. The worst she can say is a vague promise to satiate you until she can leave and ghost you. It’s a practice that many women have used to avoid toxic, persistent men. The emotional effect there is akin to “Not only are you not worth it, you look threatening enough based on your height/weight/gender that it’s too risky to even reject you directly.”
Honestly, much as it frustrated me when it happened, I completely understand why the practice exists. I’d say I blame toxic manosphere personalities and possessive men for such social patterns ever existing.
Basically, when I make those comments about the bar being higher, that isn’t really making an “ask” of anyone. I acknowledge women spend a lot of time and effort on makeup, appearance, clothing, already. Overcoming the anxiety of asking someone out would be a big ask on top of that, it’s difficult for either gender. But the attempts from guys, thanks to horrible people and toxic “dating” cultures, have now been emotionally draining too. The situation sucks for everyone now. I just ask that you don’t claim solutions to be easy. If they were, people would be achieving them.
I don’t have any advice (not that you asked for any), but it definitely seems like you’ve got a good perspective on things. It definitely sucks when it doesn’t seem to work, but you seem like a smart, emotionally mature person (from what little the internet gleans, anyway) - the right partner’s out there for someone like you, for sure.
Yeah! Even I, the weirder weirdo I know, have got to find two gf’s (although they were online relationships).
If I can, then definitely everyone can lol.
Keep it up!
Gotta keep at it. This is the way and someone will see your spark
My problem lies in approaching them in the first place.
My fiancé approached me and that’s the only reason we’re together.
Now that I think about it that’s the only reason I’ve ever been in a relationship
Absolutely this!
I’m not particularly good looking and I’ve been overweight/unfit my entire life.
I have NEVER had problems getting dates or getting laid. I’m polyamorus these days, which narrows down the dating pool quite a bit and it still is not an issue.
The secret is just…be honest? Be authentic and treat people like people, regardless of their gender.
The bar really is low.
Well, as another guy said, it’s not that low.
And adding more context, at least where I live, there’s just so much hybristophilic women and girls (and so much of them are also opportunists on top of that), and also so many purely opportunistic women and girls, that it doesn’t even make you want to look for a partner here; there’s a horrible dating culture in here, both among men and women.
Can you send us a picture please?
My authentic self is basically silent bob which makes things a little difficult lol. I can mask being more talkative for a limited amount of time before I run out of energy and check out mentally.
I’m told I’m good looking which is nice and I work out. So meeting women who want to hook up isn’t a huge issue, but relationships are another matter lol. I only work with the rare person who I feel safe with and there just aren’t many of those people out there unfortunately.
I guess my point is that it’s not always the other person’s bar that can making dating hard. Sometimes the bar isn’t enough to measure relationship material.
I agree. I am a pretty damaged person and always had weight problems, but after i turned 18, the first time i am single is now - i’m 45 now. Difference to the people i knew that always had problems finding a partner was mainly listening, treating women like everyone else, and having some fucking decency.
The bar is low and made of soap
Dated hot and heavy a few years ago and used to ask women about bad first dates as a conversation starter. With my whole chest, JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.
I only had one bad date. The women I dated could each tell stories for ages.
My worst date (not 1st date, I think 3rd?). Me and this very tall and attractive woman were getting ready for some sexy time and when I brought out a condom she flipped out, said something along the lines of “ARE YOU CALLING ME A WHORE?!” and stormed out. I, of course, ignored this giant red flag because I was very horny and she was hot and tall. Over the next few months I found out how crazy she really was and finally ended it.
I can now often notice borderline personality disorder during the first meeting, and know to walk away.
Yeah. I feel really bad for them because they’re usually heavily traumatized people. But I don’t think I could ever do it again.
I haven’t had a lot of bad dates, but that’s because I only date friends. If a guy can’t handle being in the friend zone first, he’s failed the vetting process.
Ya got me scratching my head on that one. If I’m dating, I’m looking for a romantic relationship, not just a fuck, but not just friends either. If you make it clear that isn’t in the cards, I will politely bow out.
I was friends with my partner for ten years, before we ended up together. When you have trust issues, it takes time to form close bonds.
But how do you know you’re interested in them romantically if you’re not friends with them first? I can’t imagine feeling safe enough to open up like that with a relative stranger.
Well, your approach works (and it’s how all my successful relationships came about too) but if you date someone you don’t know you find out by, well, dating! That’s the process of getting to know each other well enough to decide whether you’re interested enough for more.
You don’t have to open up about much at the beginning.
But if you’re making friends anyway, you can skip a load of that by dating a friend. The thing is a lot of adults don’t really make new friends because of How It Be…
Maybe we’re working with different definitions of “dating” here, because I just can’t imagine hanging out alone with somebody I barely know.
For me, the “friend zone” is where someone is interested in me, and I want to get to know them better first. I’m getting three or four people together, we’re all going to Six Flags, and I’m going to ask about their cats, and their hobbies, and stuff other than what they want to do to me in the bedroom. You get to know pretty quick if they’re a creep or not.
Don’t ever be ashamed of something you didn’t choose or do. People love to be inflammatory but nobody really judges a guy just for being a guy. Vast majority of men are doing the best they can, we know. I work in a company about half men, all of them manage to be clean and together and nice, same as the women do. Some of the guys are for sure dressed better than me most days.
Can’t judge a group on the worst of them.
You should never feel shame for the immutable characteristics of your identity. Race, gender, origin, sexuality are what they are. You can’t control them and neither can anyone else.
You are only responsible for your actions and how you treat others. Anyone that makes you feel like your identity is bad or shameful is part of the problem.
I worded that poorly.
The emotion I feel is somewhere between confusion, shaking my head, and wanting to slap someone in the face. I’m not ashamed of being male, but I do not appreciate others representing my sex so… negatively
It’s just shame. Don’t let people shame you for feeling ashamed. Shamelessly shame the shameful shamees. Just don’t direct the shame inwards; the fault isn’t within you
I agree btw. I think there’s a lot of shit that men do I don’t want to be associated with. I feel the opposite of pride when I think about all those things. Which is actually a good thing: feeling good about it would be a red flag, and feeling neutral about it indicates apathy or head in sand. It’s completely normal to feel bad about an identity group doing bad shit
The cheating is not exclusive to dudes though. Women do cheat a lot too. I wouldn’t say one sex “wins” over the other in that regard.
I’m pretty sure men cheat more than women. I believe the rate is something like 2x higher.
I would say, women who want to cheat will have an easier time than men at finding partners to cheat with that are fine being the secret other person.
Market value of dick is near zero.
There are plenty of stereotypes for women, too, and many overlap.
The challenge isn’t that these people actually exist, the challenge is that while they are few in the general population, there’s often no way to know until you’ve wasted your time, or worse, it’s too late.
I feel fortunate I don’t have to go through that slog.
based on guys I’ve personally met, I feel like I’m in the top percentile for “being reasonably understanding/deferential/courteous to women,”
As far as I can tell, that’s how all the m’lady/ “nice guy” dudes feel about themselves
OkStupid and Plenty of Failure weren’t bad until they got bought. I used to get dates and girlfriends a lot. Then it became grift city and bot paradise.
So what’s the best current platform? I have a feeling the answer is “nothing” but just curious mainly.
There isn’t any if you want anything meaningful, unless you like gambling.
It’s almost as if reading peoples expressions and talking to people went out the window. You can tell more about a person when they’re in front of you as opposed to some witty profile with edited pictures.
There’s this FLOSS one, Alovoa, but Idk if it does still have anyone using it.
That becomes the issue with all the non name brand ones. But those shot themselves in the foot as well
Yeah, met my wife on OkCupid in 2013.
yes! I used to use them back in like 2012 and they were half decent for meeting people
Dating apps for men: swipe right on anything mildly close
Dating apps for women: sort through list of people who swiped right on you
Twenty matches later you get a couple people to respond once. It’s like pulling teeth.
And the twenty matches take a year to get
If you’re a man at least. 5 minutes if you’re a woman, I’ve heard
I guess some kind of decentralized dating social media is what is needed.
This would be 100% men until some of them transition
Nothin gets a girl going like federated dating services.
so what is the well in this analogy?
Grindr
I think the moral of the story is blame
NestleMatch GroupI mean Match group certainly carries a lot of the blame. But at some point you gotta acknowledge there’s also just a lot of shitty people there to just waste your time on both sides of the fence
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Yeah it ain’t the 50s out here anymore but not everyone has fully come to terms with that.
Capitalism encourages shitty behavior. People are more focused on what they can get out of a relationship than they are focused on building a relationship. It’s a consequence of a “what about mine” economy.
Remember, they make money when you use the app. If you meet an actual good match, you don’t need the app anymore.
Thusly, the whole point is not to find you a good person, it is to make money by keeping you on the app.
This sort of technology could be amazing for finding people of the same interests and background, but instead its a slot machine with faces. That’s why the pix are the primary interface and not a bunch of filters based on personality, interest, etc.
The wealthiest person in town has the well and doesn’t need an app.
fits well
Leaving the apps?
There is no well, there is only well actually
The well is in the town square. You know, where all the people are?
Where you’re not supposed to approach people cause it’s seen as intrusive?
That’s simply not true, at all.
Says you
Says society in general. Be less anxious.
It’s not about being anxious, it’s about respecting people when they make it abundantly clear that they don’t want strangers bothering them in public.
If your confidence overrules people’s comfort zones, you might be the jerk. Just sayin
This is a pathetic take. Enjoy your indoor time. I’ll be out in public interacting with humans.
Gay men seem to be well
not invented yet.
